Another Empty Nest September 2019

Wow... this last few weeks has gone in a flash! My second son, who moved back home from London in February, has now moved into his own little house which he has bought with his girlfriend just 9 miles away... - I did want him to move to the same road, but her family live near by in the town they have moved to, and son 2 is happy to go with the flow... I really did not expect to have this empty nest feeling all over again, but he has been gone for 15 days today and i am still going into his bedroom to have a little cry... I am missing him being here - I miss having that daily contact with him, when he comes in from work, what he wants to eat, how his day was, what his plans are for the evening....and i suppose, not being the most important part of his life anymore - he would stay at his girlfriends a lot of the time when he was home, but he has not been back home except for his step sister's birthday..... We keep saying we will take some clothes over or some of his furniture - but no... they do not want it yet... they are busying themselves with starting their own lives and decorating first. Having said that, we have been over three times and they have been here once - but it is not the same... I feel quite bereft - although it is not the first time this son has left home - he did leave when he was 16 years old and knew everything - he moved in with his father, who was always more of his friend than a parent, and at home it was difficult, my mother was staying with us at that time recuperating from a complicated fracture and high emotive states as her husband had died only weeks before... Our relationship was very fractured for a long time, but once he moved on to music college when he was 18, he seemed more mature and more able to have a conversation with me without looking like teenagers do - with that look of disdain as if we know nothing!! I feel now that i am missing out... Gone are those lovely long university holidays, the long Christmas holidays, deadlines to get work in and panicking with only good old mum to help and get him organised and proof read!! Feeling wanted and needed... This time, we spent a long time chatting, walking, rebuilding our relationship as adults and becoming friends... It seems like it was only yesterday when this little mixed up soul came into my world and it’s at that that point the ‘letting go’ all started; as soon as my little treasure was born in March 1994 - if he had been born before his brother, there would have been a bigger gap between them, as he was very challenging at times, but i loved him and laughed with him so much! This time of year will be very poignant for many parents as their little ones start on their journey to nursery school, messy club, mother and toddlers, primary school, secondary school, their first term at college then university then to embark on their first career in the huge world whilst our world seems somehow to have become a little emptier and smaller without them... I miss the times when they were little and i could protect them from everything, and they believed in father Christmas and that i could fix everything... All the time i have prepared them for the world, now he has gone, and although I am sad, i think the greatest gift we can give our children is to ‘let them go’ – allow them to make mistakes, let them fail, let them fall and scrape their knees, let them know it is ok to do this. It’s all part of learning and growing and achieving the success that is around the corner for them. But what about us? - are we ever prepared as parents especially mothers to ‘let your little ones go’? Are you prepared for the heartache and the pain along the way? Nothing really prepares for you that loss, that empty chair at the dinner table, the tidy bedroom, the quiet house and the empty washing basket. - the washing basket was always empty as the clothes were always on the bedroom floor even at age 25!!! - these signs all tell you that, ‘You’re done, you’re job is over.’ BUT it never is – your children will always need you, you will always be their parents – all that’s happened is your role has changed. I wasn’t prepared for the fact the family unit meant so much.... both my boys and my step daughter all love the traditions we hold together, the family meals, the walks, the days out. When it came to the ‘last supper’ I really wished I had organised more of these as family meals became a rarity. I think one of the biggest shifts for me is the change in roles - i still have my step daughter at home half the time, but i feel very empty - what am i supposed to do as a parent now? I probably cramp both the boys style as i text and call them most days, i am constantly checking that they are both ok as i worry they will think i do not care... We all want to be amazing parents and for our children to experience magical childhoods but somehow this isn’t always the case. For me, i always feel extremely guilty that the marriage with their father broke down, and i tried to rekindle it many times unsuccessfully - i tried to find a surrogate father for the boys, but in the end, i was enough for them - it was military precision getting them up, organised, breakfasted and out of the door into the car every morning and the same in reverse plus after school clubs as i was working full time, i remember not sitting down much at all as i would fall asleep! I did not want a divorce, i wanted the happy ever after, but that wasn't possible first time around.... However, now, i realise that i was pretty much the best mum and friend that i could be - my children all tolerate my phone calls and texts, my oldest son tolerates my monthly visits across the other side of the country keeping him organised and taking food parcels.... Now, i feel that i was and am a great mum - i am kind to myself - parenting is not easy for anyone and does not come with an instruction guide - though these days Google or Alexa will always help - I did my very best with what i had - i tried not to make the mistakes my mother made - though probably made far more of my own.... So, with both boys flown, and one still half home, i feel i should celebrate - though perhaps not quite yet as i am still pretty sad... I am so lucky, as i found love again once the boys had left home the first time - my husband is very understanding of my foibles trying to be a great mum and step mum - he does tell me to step back and let them be - i will try not to be as invasive, but sometimes, you are busy clutching straws waiting for a reason to talk to one or the other - Hold your children in the palm of your hand as if they were a butterfly, let them fly and they will always come back - Xmas now, is the time when they are all home and we enjoy our shared history, this time son 2 was only home 7 months, but i will miss him again until we redraw the lines of our relationship....