The First Day 2

My mum has always known that i love dogs - despite not being allowed a pet and bringing all sorts of birds, cats, frogs etc home as a child, they would be taken to the RSPCA off Edge Lane. So, as i was now hitting forty, and a sensible adult, living in my own home with children, I did not expect to have my values and choices questioned as i had put everything on hold for mum being with me for a few weeks. The first morning, lots of crashing and banging was going on upstairs - I had woken up early, driven the boys to school, taken the dogs out for a quick constitutional, my best friend had come over with the newspaper for mum, and we were all set for her grand entrance... It was 0930hrs... Clatter clatter, bang bang thud - mum descended the stairs and knocked two photos off the wall in the hallway... She was using a hospital aid (stick) with her good arm, and refused any help to bring down her handbag and worldly possessions in the process.... "Mum, do you want any help?"..... "NO! The only thing i want is to go home to my OWN house in Liverpool where I live"... Such was the conversation every morning - challenges as she had not made the decision herself to come down to stay with me in Essex. "Ok, fine, but you have to stay with me for a few weeks to get your arm and you stronger, so you can cope at home" - There really was no reasoning with her at this time of the morning, and it was a case of simply diverting her attention to what might be in the newspapers, or the crossword, or on daytime, mind numbing TV... We found that she enjoyed Judge Judy, and playing cards, as well as estate agent shows where purchasers went to Auctions to bid on houses, and, as mum would say - "a Doer Upper" would be a bargain - and the TV crew would return later in the show to see how they coped with the renovations... That first day, i had mum registered with our family Doctor in Maldon - he came out to see mum. It was inevitably always such a pa-lava to get her into the car and to any appointments as mum did love a drama and would scream if i touched or looked like i was going to touch her knee (which had been painful for 40 years but she had not had it replaced as she was afraid of anaesthetic...) getting her in and out of the car - her screams would be louder if there was an audience of poor members of the public minding their own business at bus stops etc... They would give me the evil eye, which mum would love! I was concerned about mum's arm - it was fractured in five places and she had been on the bathroom floor for 14 hours before Diane found her and took her to hospital.... Inevitably, mum became ill and had caught a chill - the GP wanted to get her into hospital, but mum refused to go - "I will die if you take me there!" - so we left it that day and just gave her lots of vitamin drinks and supplements with her meals... By the end of the first day i was completely shattered - my nerves were on edge - she would say "living on her nerves" - that is how i felt... the anxiety was killing me, but with a large glug of wine, we got through the first day!!!

Introduction to Life with Mum 1

It all started in December 2009. Life as a mother was becoming easier, my children were becoming less dependent, were in secondary education, my mortgage was getting more manageable, and my career was wonderful and fulfilling... in fact, everything was pretty much tickety boo... It is amazing though, that the minute one part of your life runs smoothly, another part looms on the horizon and is in danger of falling apart... So was the case for me.... December 12th 2009. I tried to call my mother, as i did every day - she was recently widowed (October 2009) and welcomed the contact - on her terms... no reply - at first, this did not worry me, mum had an ability for selective hearing and would often purposely not answer the telephone if the mood took her, or she wanted us to worry - i say "us" loosely - there is a brother and sister, though i, the prodigal daughter, was the one who remained constant. At times it was "three rings and put it down so i know its you!" - then this changed to five rings - i think with hindsight, we all had different codes so she would know who was calling her! By 6pm, i still had no reply to my calls, and living some 250 miles away (where i had run to after a troubled adolescence, 20 years before to start my adventures - and which at the time, had seemed a safe distance) i felt compelled to phone my sister who lived only 60 miles away. She was not concerned as she had spoken to mum the previous day, but i persisted.... My sister begrudgingly went to the house, to find it locked with the chain on from inside... they got bolt cutters from the local DIY store, and found mum in the upstairs bathroom on the floor having fractured her humerus falling off the toilet.... They called an ambulance and went with mum to hospital. The following week, after assessment, she was to be discharged for "conservative home management" which remains the NHS's way of preventing bed blocking and sending out elderly, vulnerable patients back home knowing they are unable to cope, but no risk assessment and fingers crossed anyway! Being a nurse specialist along with my sister and mother, i created a fuss and threatened safeguarding, but to no avail, so I decided to step in, arranging with my sister to get mum from the hospital and i would meet her half way down the M1 and i would take a sabbatical from work for two weeks to see how mum managed with her fracture. I really did not notice my sister whoop whoop with a happy face as she backed out of the service station car park, but i am pretty sure she did - as we did not see her again for five months except for one weekend to fleece mother out of money for her daughter's double glazing!!... that was the beginning of our journey...

Summer Reflection

It's nearly August already! - this has been a pretty busy summer for me. My life seems to go through cycles of being extremely busy (most of the time - especially last year) interspersed with short lulls. The lulls are never long enough. For me, with two adult sons and a young step daughter approaching teenage years, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on summers gone by, when my boys were young (my step daughters age now), especially as she finishes her Junior school)- these last weeks have been such a milestone for us all - the end of year parties, the swimming drama (one parent did not invite all the children - obviously plateaued emotionally age 13), the summer disco - or ball - complete with a limo which only the select few were invited on.... the dress and getting step daughter to actually like a dress, and the school end of year year 6 play.... On top of this, it was the last time seeing friends who we made along the way - other parents - whom we will obviously stay in touch with, but not see as often as we did in the playground.... We all went as her little army... Grandparents, Parents, Aunt, Step Parent, it was obviously going to be a tear jerker, especially for my mother in law and I - we are fairly similar old Capricorns, born on the same day... For me, I've watched this little girl evolve from a youngster to a mature 11 year old (nearly 12), plus, I recall the end of year parties, plays, trips of yesteryear with my sons... both now in their twenties, but still so vivid and high in emotion. It's also the first summer without my mother. Thirty years ago i did not appreciate my mum - i found her very 'hard' - she was always so busy with her work (in charge of a team of district nurses then setting up the family planning service in South Liverpool), that once she did get home, she would easily become exasperated with me - a late child... Her other two children whom she had in her twenties, left with their father, then she ran off with my father as the grass was greener - i appeared on the scene as her thirties ended, and was not planned.... I had left home after a heated argument the day after my last exam, and headed off to London - i had a job as a CSV - Community Service Volunteer already organised, and lived in London until i was old enough to commence nurse training - i think i was either very brave, or stupid and it must have driven my poor mum to tears and constant anxiety wondering where i was - i did not tell her for months. Our relationship was very disjointed and toxic, there would be months when we did not talk, it was extremely difficult to maintain a civil relationship as she would play one sister against another, and I was never "the favourite" - she would often tell me in a heated discussion that she wished she had me adopted - although this was said so often, it meant very little in the end - it was her inability to articulate what she was really feeling, and of course, my pecker was up as I knew she was going to say something hurtful. She was very mixed up growing up with a mother who cared little for her. Years later, i read mum's diaries, and found that she had made tentative arrangements to have me adopted - i had been fostered for some time so she could continue to work, and my father was in and out of her life, not reliable as a husband - though very reliable as a father. In 2009, my mum came to live with me in Essex, she had fractured her humerus - a complicated, spiral fracture in 5 places, and had been sent home from hospital for "Conservative Home Management" - probably because she was creating mayhem being an ex nurse.... It was an impossible situation with her being at home and being unable to use her arm, my sister was unable and unwilling to have mum, and so me, the black sheep, brought her down to Essex - somewhat begrudgingly at first, as we had not had an easy relationship in my younger years.... We tolerated five long months together with daily tears and tantrums, plates being thrown (she was very volatile) and my husband and youngest son - who was then 16, decided they could stand no more - both left!! Mum went back home with my brother, who stayed with her long enough to relieve her of £10,000 at the bank, and left her to it... Mum continued to try and cope at home, but her last husband had died in 2009, and she really had lost her confidence and her "get up and go" had gone... She continued to be admitted to hospital with UTI's, going into hospital for weeks, then being discharged with a care plan and carers - who she would sack after a week... One year she had 15 admissions to hospital - all to do with toxic confusion from her UTI's - I would drive up every Friday, come home exhausted on the Monday - work for a week, and go back the following weekend - so it went on.... Finally, in 2013, mum realised that she was unable to manage living at home, and signed her house over to her husbands family - on reflection, i feel this was unwise - I should not have listened to the social worker, I should have taken legal advice at that time, as mum could have rented the house out to offset her care home fees later on... however, hindsight is indeed a wonderful thing... Mum came down to live in a residential home in Essex two streets from me, and managed 3 days before wanting to go home... so was the pattern of her decision making throughout life... I went back to Liverpool to find her another similar provision, and eight weeks later, we moved mum into a home in Broadgreen, Liverpool - an area where she had spent many years living and working. Again, she did not like the home, and after 5 days was arrested for assaulting another resident - she felt out of control and went to hospital. This continued through another four residential homes, until we found one which she liked. In the meantime, it seemed silly to continue to live in Essex when my boys had both flown the nest to start their adventures, I rented my house out, and moved to Liverpool to be close to mum, and although she lived in an EMI residential home, she was out with me three / four times each week. Last Spring, mum was diagnosed with Cancer of the Stomach with Liver Mets, as well as her mixed dementia diagnosis, she had been deteriorating for some years, but i did believe she was immortal and would go on forever... We moved mum in with us, as well as her circus entourage of carers, district nurses, social workers, case managers, GP and Psych Doctors, and we kept mum going for another three months. In that time, we learned to respect and love each other. We became friends.... Obviously there were days when mum would throw something at me, but as a child, I had learned to dodge the bullets (hair brush/plates or whatever was to hand) but i understand that this was her frustration at not being able to be the person she was. I feel so privileged to have had so much time with my mum - she spent her 90th birthday with a garden party, and she had many lucid times, Christmas's with my in laws and Christmas's at home with us and her grandchildren... She was there for me coming into this world, and i was there for her going out.

A year since mum's 90th birthday

My mother died a year ago on the 13th August 2018. She was 90 years old and was living with myself and my husband. It had been a roller coaster life of technicolour, ups and downs, marriages, divorces, drama, and the last ten years with her to-ing and fro-ing to Essex (where we lived then), and back to Liverpool to hold on to her independence.... Ending up with us moving back home to be near to her, and finally, with her moving in with us - which is what she wanted all along.... My actual memories of the days and weeks that led up to mum's death are slowly fading, but my feelings of immense sorrow stay with me. I don’t need to remember with any amount of clarity in order to feel overwhelmingly sad. There was a point, when i was younger, when mum and i would spat regularly, she would wish i was adopted, and i would wish she would just leave me alone to live my adult life and not draw me back into thinking i was a thirteen year old naughty teenager.... I would never be "good enough" as a child - i could not play the piano as well as my sister, i did not write as neatly, i was not as amiable - i think i just knew my own mind - much as i see myself in my children - i love that they are both different, and that David is very like i was as a child and teenager... I believed then, that one day, i would be free of all the drama, the anxiety, the worry, the bewilderment, i believe that i went into mental health nursing to somehow get my head around my mixed up childhood with her... It helped me give her behaviour a label, and friends would stick their "two penneth worth in" as to what they believed the problems were, and my problems were.... but in the end, with my husband Neil, we worked through all our angst, our hurt, our relationship issues, mum's anxieties and anger, and we became reluctant friends who cared very deeply about each other, and were not afraid to say so... Mum was provocative and would demand a response and as a child, i would be determined not to! As the arrival of mum's birthday looms tomorrow, it's knocked me for six - a whole year since we had the family and friends over to celebrate her 90th birthday, and my grief is still present - all week i have been so sad, bursting into tears for no reason... my husband thinks it's the change - maybe it is? I find it hard to keep a lid on my feelings. I feel good, bad, grateful, deprived, strong, vulnerable, and a hundred other things. My memories, thoughts, beliefs, and assumptions about life and loss have become very mixed up. At 52 years of age, i am an orphan, and what i find incredibly sad, is that i have not seen my sister or her family since the day of the funeral, nor my brother - (the brother is no loss as he skips in and out of peoples lives to cause chaos).... Because of mum's will, which i knew i had an up to date copy, mum had left what little she had, to my boys as was her wish. The government take your money in care fee contributions until you have only £12,000 left, - luckily, mum was a very keen invester, and had given away as gifts her properties and capital sums years ago. My sister seemed to be so almost histrionic and excited a day after mum died about the will and it leaving money to her son (who had already had £66k from the sale of my mothers last house, and his daughter, (my mother's great grandaughter,) who had already had gifts during her young life of Savings bonds and cash sums, We felt that my sister behaved very poorly when she found out that their will out of date - even demanding to see it and saying i would need a solicitor as there was so much to organise! - My husband had recorded the heated discussion as he wanted me to realise how obtuse they were being. The funeral itself was enormously sad - both myself and my son and best friend Nikki read an Epitaph about mum's life, my sister insisted on a hymn to make everyone emotional, when surely the service itself was emotional enough?? - and afterwards at the wake, and then at home, they had their own funeral party in my sitting room not mixing with family and friends who had come to pay their respects... Some months after the funeral, i received a text message from my sister wanting money from her share of the top up fee for the care home mum had stayed at, but the will did not allow for this. Not a word since.... When she thought the will was made out to her families favour, she had looked up how much an inscription would be for mum on the exsisting family headstone, and was balking at a new headstone being purchased - however, once she realised that the will was made out to my boys, she actually had the audacity to tell the stonemason - "Oh, money is no object" - she wanted as little left to my children as possible....I really saw her for who she is... So very sad, and this breeak in the family is not what my mum would have wanted, but there it is... I am now at a paradox of opposite emotions, which is confusing for everyone, but really its ok - Life after a loss is simply perplexing but it is normal and my feelings of sadness are very real. As the seasons have come full circle, I have found that although it's nearly a year, i go back to the past more often - whether that is because i do not have a "present" time to think of her, or whether in me knowing her better over the years, i understand her foibles more... i suddenly have a lightbulb moment and realise - "Ahhhhh - thats why mum said this"... whereas before, i could not always understand it, and could not dissect her behaviour from her feelings... Liverpool was home - my mum was "home" - yet here i am without mum - feeling somehow without a pull to her as she has gone, though now i am secure with my family half here - David has come home, and i have Neil and my step daughter Sadie and parents in law and sister in law in Spain - but my own blood line - sister and brother and their families are no longer part of the equation... What is odd for me to get my head around, is that some days i could crumble under the sadness of mum and my sister as she was such an important part of my life, yet I have to be secure and represent stability for my husband and children... My mother was pregnant with me when her own mother died - i recall her saying she cried for three months - yet, in later years she would voice how hard her mother had been... All of this is normal grief, and although time doesn't heal - it distances itself and you remember the funny times, or the times when she did something which left me in such a high emotive state that it remains in my long term memory...

My Mum's May Blitz 1941

My mum was born on 9th July 1928... in two days she would have been 91, but she died last August, after a short illness. She had a wonderful, exciting, long, technicolour life. She was born in Liverpool, the third of eventually seven children, and spent the majority of her life in Liverpool - the City that she loved. For the majority of her life, she was a very bright, formidable lady, a mother who gave me goosebumps at times, very strict, and she found it hard to articulate her feelings or show her emotions due to her upbringing and early years growing up in the thirties with very little money or love. Her experience of the May Blitz was a personal account. Merseyside and Liverpool were bombed every night of the first week of May with over 1750 people being killed. The worst single night was the 3rd/4th when an estimated 850 people were killed. The ammunition ship Malakand, being loaded with 1,000 tons of munitions caught the flames from nearby burning warehouses. Desperate attempts were made to control the fire but she blew up hours after the ‘All Clear’ was sounded on the 4th, killing four fire fighters. The fire continued for another 72 hours. My mum and her four sisters, were living at 21 Wandsworth Road in Norris Green during the May Blitz - mum's father had died in 1936, and although the girls had been evacuated at the beginning of the war in 1939, they had all returned home as there did not appear to be any danger in the city. When the girls returned home, they found their mother had remarried, and was living in another house in Richard Kelly Drive, which she shared with another family and now had a new baby (Johnny) and their full brother Teddy who was 4 years old. My grandmothers husband was a Merchant Seaman and did not know that his new wife had six children! Due to it being wartime, there was much confusion, and the girls were very much left to their own devices - Geraldine, the eldest would run to their mother for ration books and food and after a fashion, try and look after the four sisters who were running wild... Mum's aunty Mary, who lived in Bootle came to see them during May 1941 as she herself had been bombed out and wanted to check on her sister - Geraldine told her that her sister was now living in Richard Kelly drive with Jack Peel and a baby plus Teddy.... Aunty Mary said to tell their mother that if she was not at the Wandsworth Rd house with the children at 9am tomorrow morning, she would report her to the NSPCC.... My grandmother was in turmoil, she had a baby and husband and did not know what to do about the girls - Mary told her that they could be reevacuated in view of the blitz, and they all were - including Teddy who was just 6 years old.

Suggestions on living with your mother

Sometimes, and especially for me before my mum came to live with us, the thought of living with my mum with me as an adult, certainly made me quake - after a difficult childhood full of tantrums and locking horns resulting in me leaving home at 17, for most of my adult life until my 40's, my mother and i had a very temperamental relationship - it was always her way or the highway, though i lived 250 miles away, and could terminate a phone call if she became histrionic (which unfortunately, was most of the time)... When you return to live with your mother as an adult-or she moves in with you, the issues and comments that set you off years, even decades, ago can become magnified if you let her get to you. Age and accomplishments don't give you immunity against insults and personal attacks, or the anger and resentment they create. If it's time to move in together, it's time to move on. Even if the economy or a life disruption is not forcing you back home, these suggestions may help smooth a rocky relationship you have with your mother. Attitude Adjustments 1. Change how you think about your mother. Focus on her positives rather than what you view as negative. Work around the things you believe your mother can't or won't change. Said another way, lower your expectations. You have memories of the years you lived together the first time, some divine, some not so great. Those recollections may change how you think about the new arrangement. What you remember from the past and hope to attain become expectations for the "new regime." Don't expect more than you received years ago, and you just may be pleasantly surprised. Being realistic is the most important. There will be times when you both revert to childlike behaviours on the turn of a sixpence, dont beat yourself up if this happens - i had my mum live with me twice in my forties, and then last year when she came to live with us as she was poorly. 2. Rethink how you feel about living together - especially if the circumstances underlying the move are or were unpleasant. Keep the benefits and bonuses in the forefront. Sometimes it is hard to think what the bonuses are - for me, the final time, was that i knew, nobody could look after my mum or manage her care the way i could. Despite her mental health issues and dementia, her hysteria, her technicolour life, the benefit of having her home with me was that she was safe and we had time to rebuild our relationship before she passed. 3. Understand that there will be an adjustment period, so give it time. It will work out if you and she agree that living together is the best or most sensible arrangement for now. - my mum had to live with me when i was in my forties and she was in her eighties - she could not manage as a new widow, and her physical health meant she could no longer drive or walk great distances - we tried the home care plan, but she would cancel them - in the end, she fractured her humerus and had to come - albeit begrudgingly - she did not settle and made life extremely difficult for my teenage sons and myself, but we knew there would be an end - though it was 5 long months away.... Putting Boundaries in Place 4. Boundaries separating you from mother occurred automatically when you were independent, formed either by the physical distance or the amount of contact you orchestrated. When you live together again, boundaries can blur quickly. You will want to install ground rules that reshuffle the boundaries to ensure your mother's and your freedom, comfort, and happiness. You need an enormous house!!!! If you want changes, you will have to ask for them calmly, not in an authoritative way-more in the manner you would tell a friend or partner: "I know you would want to know this." To protect your privacy, for instance, make your room off-limits. It's hard to believe, but there are mothers of adult children who enter their sons and daughters' bedrooms without warning, as if the occupant were still at junior school! You don't want your mother in your room or cleaning up after you, tell her that you will tend to these things. Or, explain that you will do your own laundry. 5. Establishing boundaries may include what's in the cupboard and put on the table. If you are dieting or have strong preferences or nutritional needs, discuss the matter, or decide you can live with your mother's choices. You can also put yourself in charge of grocery shopping to resolve food issues. 6. Because you live together doesn't mean you must spend every waking moment with each other. It's important to see friends and remain involved in whatever you did before you "joined forces" in the same house. In short, retain your separate life. If one of you is new to the area, seek out groups and organisations that interest you so you get out on your own and are not dependent on one another to fill your time. 7. Be sure to set aside alone time. You need that time to build or maintain friendships as well as to solve problems that don't involve your mother. If you can't be out of the house, go into another room. Time-Protection Options 8. For the mother who would like nothing better than to monopolise you, these time-protection options help reaffirm that you are not abandoning the home front, and will allow her to adjust her level of neediness and dependency. 9. In whatever lines you draw, explain how much you love her. If your mother does something to upset you, talk about it. Don't let it fester. She may not realise (or care!) that her comments or actions bother you, many of which can be leftovers from your relationship when you were a child growing up - remember that those years are behind you. You can be considerate without allowing your mother to overstep your physical and emotional boundaries-be they monetary or otherwise. Call on the way home to see if you should stop at the store to pick up something for dinner, or at the cleaners to retrieve the clothes that are ready. Surprise her by buying flowers for no reason or by giving her a technology lesson if you're expert in such things. In this way, a whole scheme of cooperating evolves. As you embrace a "New Normal," life together will fall comfortably into place as long as you keep your boundaries sharply delineated and secure. And, when your mother oversteps them, be sure to let her know. Remember, as well as she may understand you (or think she does), she can't know what you are thinking and feeling all the time. - though spookily, we think she does!!

Where to Begin

This autobiographical blog is something that friends and family have wanted me to write for many years - indeed, some years back, i did start, but due to real life getting in the way, the way it does with working mothers juggling children, work schedules, elderly mothers and a menagerie of animals, it was deleted into cyberspace... Now some of that chaos and circus has left my life, i am going to try, to write snippets of my life with my mother and other animals... To begin, my mother was born in July 1928, the third of eventually 7 children, in Liverpool. Growing up during WW2 was a fanatical, disturbed time for everyone, however, for innocent children growing up in a busy city, it affected my mother and her family deeply. Her father had died in 1936 when she was only 8 years old, and her mother had to manage with six children and no income. Bombs were dropping like rain on the city, schools closed, my mothers school was evacuated and she had just passed the 11+, she was sent to Shropshire with her younger siblings, they the younger ones went to the Bluecoat school which had been evacuated to Anglesey in Wales, and mum was sent back home to look after another of her mothers children - she had remarried whilst the children were away... All of this affected her very deeply... She felt she was being used as a drudge by her mother, indeed, it was a disordered time for many, and she desired a different life for herself. In the absence of feeling love by her mother, she built up a wall of protection which made her appear very sarcastic and hard. She felt she had been dealt a raw deal... firstly by her father who had died and deserted her, then by Hitler preventing her from taking up her scholarship to better her education, then finally, by her mother who simply wanted a babysitter for her new baby son. I am the third and last child of my mother, and first of my father. I was born to her and her third husband - she went on to have five husbands during her lifetime. I have a half sister and half brother, though we all grew up having different childhoods and subsequently, very different lives. Mothers and daughters of all ages appear to be in ever increasingly complex relationships... for mum and me, growing up was a difficult transition and i will try and shed some light onto it in this blog... I ended up in therapy for nearly a year with my weekly sessions... they started off as a work six week course, but by the end of the sixth week and the end of the funding, i realised i had only scratched the surface!!! However, as i grew older, i realised my mum was unable to always verbalise what she wanted to say, perhaps from inbred fear of rejection, and would instead come out with something acerbic to provoke a negative response. Over the years, we have evolved from sparring partners to eventually friends with my opinions of her changing, knowing her better. My mother died last year, and i was lucky enough to have her home with me, so i could look after her and make her last months as happy as they could be. She was there when i came into the world, and i was there when she went out...