Summer Reflection

It's nearly August already! - this has been a pretty busy summer for me. My life seems to go through cycles of being extremely busy (most of the time - especially last year) interspersed with short lulls. The lulls are never long enough. For me, with two adult sons and a young step daughter approaching teenage years, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on summers gone by, when my boys were young (my step daughters age now), especially as she finishes her Junior school)- these last weeks have been such a milestone for us all - the end of year parties, the swimming drama (one parent did not invite all the children - obviously plateaued emotionally age 13), the summer disco - or ball - complete with a limo which only the select few were invited on.... the dress and getting step daughter to actually like a dress, and the school end of year year 6 play.... On top of this, it was the last time seeing friends who we made along the way - other parents - whom we will obviously stay in touch with, but not see as often as we did in the playground.... We all went as her little army... Grandparents, Parents, Aunt, Step Parent, it was obviously going to be a tear jerker, especially for my mother in law and I - we are fairly similar old Capricorns, born on the same day... For me, I've watched this little girl evolve from a youngster to a mature 11 year old (nearly 12), plus, I recall the end of year parties, plays, trips of yesteryear with my sons... both now in their twenties, but still so vivid and high in emotion. It's also the first summer without my mother. Thirty years ago i did not appreciate my mum - i found her very 'hard' - she was always so busy with her work (in charge of a team of district nurses then setting up the family planning service in South Liverpool), that once she did get home, she would easily become exasperated with me - a late child... Her other two children whom she had in her twenties, left with their father, then she ran off with my father as the grass was greener - i appeared on the scene as her thirties ended, and was not planned.... I had left home after a heated argument the day after my last exam, and headed off to London - i had a job as a CSV - Community Service Volunteer already organised, and lived in London until i was old enough to commence nurse training - i think i was either very brave, or stupid and it must have driven my poor mum to tears and constant anxiety wondering where i was - i did not tell her for months. Our relationship was very disjointed and toxic, there would be months when we did not talk, it was extremely difficult to maintain a civil relationship as she would play one sister against another, and I was never "the favourite" - she would often tell me in a heated discussion that she wished she had me adopted - although this was said so often, it meant very little in the end - it was her inability to articulate what she was really feeling, and of course, my pecker was up as I knew she was going to say something hurtful. She was very mixed up growing up with a mother who cared little for her. Years later, i read mum's diaries, and found that she had made tentative arrangements to have me adopted - i had been fostered for some time so she could continue to work, and my father was in and out of her life, not reliable as a husband - though very reliable as a father. In 2009, my mum came to live with me in Essex, she had fractured her humerus - a complicated, spiral fracture in 5 places, and had been sent home from hospital for "Conservative Home Management" - probably because she was creating mayhem being an ex nurse.... It was an impossible situation with her being at home and being unable to use her arm, my sister was unable and unwilling to have mum, and so me, the black sheep, brought her down to Essex - somewhat begrudgingly at first, as we had not had an easy relationship in my younger years.... We tolerated five long months together with daily tears and tantrums, plates being thrown (she was very volatile) and my husband and youngest son - who was then 16, decided they could stand no more - both left!! Mum went back home with my brother, who stayed with her long enough to relieve her of £10,000 at the bank, and left her to it... Mum continued to try and cope at home, but her last husband had died in 2009, and she really had lost her confidence and her "get up and go" had gone... She continued to be admitted to hospital with UTI's, going into hospital for weeks, then being discharged with a care plan and carers - who she would sack after a week... One year she had 15 admissions to hospital - all to do with toxic confusion from her UTI's - I would drive up every Friday, come home exhausted on the Monday - work for a week, and go back the following weekend - so it went on.... Finally, in 2013, mum realised that she was unable to manage living at home, and signed her house over to her husbands family - on reflection, i feel this was unwise - I should not have listened to the social worker, I should have taken legal advice at that time, as mum could have rented the house out to offset her care home fees later on... however, hindsight is indeed a wonderful thing... Mum came down to live in a residential home in Essex two streets from me, and managed 3 days before wanting to go home... so was the pattern of her decision making throughout life... I went back to Liverpool to find her another similar provision, and eight weeks later, we moved mum into a home in Broadgreen, Liverpool - an area where she had spent many years living and working. Again, she did not like the home, and after 5 days was arrested for assaulting another resident - she felt out of control and went to hospital. This continued through another four residential homes, until we found one which she liked. In the meantime, it seemed silly to continue to live in Essex when my boys had both flown the nest to start their adventures, I rented my house out, and moved to Liverpool to be close to mum, and although she lived in an EMI residential home, she was out with me three / four times each week. Last Spring, mum was diagnosed with Cancer of the Stomach with Liver Mets, as well as her mixed dementia diagnosis, she had been deteriorating for some years, but i did believe she was immortal and would go on forever... We moved mum in with us, as well as her circus entourage of carers, district nurses, social workers, case managers, GP and Psych Doctors, and we kept mum going for another three months. In that time, we learned to respect and love each other. We became friends.... Obviously there were days when mum would throw something at me, but as a child, I had learned to dodge the bullets (hair brush/plates or whatever was to hand) but i understand that this was her frustration at not being able to be the person she was. I feel so privileged to have had so much time with my mum - she spent her 90th birthday with a garden party, and she had many lucid times, Christmas's with my in laws and Christmas's at home with us and her grandchildren... She was there for me coming into this world, and i was there for her going out.