Friendships

Like many women in their fifties, i have had many friendships, many more acquaintances, but only three best friends in my long life! Friendships do come and go, often, we over associate with old friends to maintain the connection of our joined history. As a child, i did have a best friend at infants school - her name was Heather - she lived on Valencia Road near Picton Clock but left after Top Infants to attend Belvedere School. I suppose i went through school in a bit of a daydream - so much drama was happening at home with my mother and father arguing daily (which i thought was completely normal) - then being sent to my sister most weekends in Woolton, then Leigh, then Skelmersdale - i didn't really feel very "connected" to other children at school. In the midsummer of 1974, my mother moved to Shaftsebury in Dorset. She secured a nursing post running a district nursing service - she had looked at a map, and felt that it was near Bath, Avon, which is where her second husband had taken my half brother. I knew nothing about it as usual, i was put on a train to Bristol, I dont remember saying goodbye to my father, (who remained at the Liverpool house) - they were divorced by this time.... and mum's second husband ( My dad was the third of five), collected me from Bristol train station and took me to Bath. I was used to going to spend summers with him - i called him "Uncle Joe". I recall going to a junior school in Bath for a week, then my mum collected me, and took me to a B&B on a farm in the Countryside - I then attended the village school for the remainder of the summer term with the farmers son and we were in the same class, though he was two years older than me. My father came for us and we came back to Liverpool at the end of August. I was told that mum couldn't sell the house - my dad had painted the hall white and it was so bright as i walked in. Back at the local junior school, i simply moved up to the next class - nobody seemed to ask any questions - maybe they did, but i was not made aware of it. High School was the same, i was friendly with children, i was the "sporting third" in any given group - i wonder if i really knew how to be a friend - nobody was allowed to come home for tea or a sleep over... It was an odd childhood existence really, i was always friendly with other children, i found i could make them laugh - something i have always relied upon as a coping mechanism, but, on reflection, i was very mixed up, lonely and unhappy underneath. I learned to hide it well, as mum would say i was selfish!.... "after all ive done for you how can you be unhappy??" a wallop or something thrown at me would follow... Whilst seeing Uncle Joe and my brother Tony, i had friends in Bath - Zoe and Leah and i spent many summers with them - all ancient history now, but i remember those times clearly. Friendships came and went in Liverpool once i became more aware of what they entailed and how to keep in touch with friends without my mum sabotaging them - i found them unique really, and my first real friends were Ondrea and Carol. Ondrea lived in the same road as me, and her mum, like mine, was divorced. In the mid 1970's, very few families had divorced parents, so my mum, and Ondrea's mum, (Josie), stuck together and forged an unlikely friendship that lasted from their thirties until my mum died last year age 90! Carol was very sensible, we went to junior school together, and although we went to different secondary schools, we remained close friends as we attended youth group and Brownies, then Girl Guides and finally Rangers together. After i left home for London, we stayed in touch on and off through our parents - Carol's mum lived in the next road so we would try and plan visits to coincide with each other. We remain friends. My third best friend is Nikki. Nikki and i became friends due to our children having difficulties at school. Our friendship is unique also, because we needed each other. We chose to become friends, to enable each other as well as our children. We worked together, holidayed together and have a friendship that has endured my marriage breakdown, my moving 250 miles away, but we remain close friends. These friendships often begin in the playground or nursery with your children, and because you want your children to be friends, they endure. Some friendships change as we grow older, but with my friends, there remains a consistency. In the hierarchy of relationships, friendships are at the bottom. Romantic partners, husbands/wives, parents, children - all of these relationships come first. Unlike the more formal roles of family relationships, friendships lack a formal structure - with friendships, you make up the rules as you go along - i have friends whom i have not contacted for months, but i know if i call them, i will talking to them for hours as if we have not spent time apart... Our lives are busy that it can be difficult to make time to keep in touch on a daily basis, but that should not deflect from the bond of friendship. People want three things from friendship:- Somebody to talk to, someone to depend on, and someone to enjoy. These expectations remain the same, but the circumstances under which they’re accomplished change. The voluntary nature of friendship makes it subject to life’s whims in a way that the more formal relationships aren’t. In adulthood, as people grow up and move away to start their own adventures, friendships are the relationships most likely to fail. You’re stuck with your family, and you prioritise your husband / wife / family / mother. However, where you could pop over to Carol/Nikki/Ondrea's house to see them, real life now gets in the way, and you find that they are busy - particularly now we are all in our fifties - our children are grown but some have not flown the nest yet, and parents are now taking up much time. The fabulous thing about friendship however, is that friends are friends because they want to be - they choose each other - from school, to old age, friendship continues to give health benefits both mental and physical. My mothers friendship with Josie - Ondrea's mother, endured over 50 years - they laughed, argued, had fun. During young adulthood, friendships become more complex and meaningful. In childhood, friends are mostly other children who are fun to play with; in adolescence, there’s a lot more self-disclosure and support between friends, but adolescents are still discovering their identity, and learning what it means to be intimate. Their friendships help them do that. In adolescence, people have a tractable self, they change so much between the ages of 16 - 23 - By young adulthood, people are usually a little more secure in themselves, more likely to seek out friends who share their values on the important things, and let the little things be. Friendship networks are naturally denser when you are a young adult - i left Liverpool and moved to London to attend nursing college and university, You spend so much time living and working in that environment that many friendships are made. As we enter middle age, it is more difficult to manage friendships - there are more demands on time - with work and attending school plays for children and grandchildren that take up time rather than catching up with friends. As we move through life, we make and try and keep friends - Some of us make friends wherever they go, and may have more friendly acquaintances than deep friendships. Others are discerning, meaning they have a few best friends they stay close with over the years, but the deep investment means that the loss of one of those friends would be devastating. The most flexible are the acquisitive—people who stay in touch with old friends, but continue to make new ones as they move through the world. Some people do manage to stay friends for life, or at least for many years - my mother used to say "I wish i had a Nikki" - i am so lucky to be able to maintain this friendship... but what is it that predicts who will last through the maelstrom of middle age and be there for the silver age of friendship? Whether people hold onto their old friends or grow apart seems to come down to dedication and communication. The more you’ve invested in a friendship already, the more likely you are to keep it going. There are different levels of maintaining a relationship, and digital communication works better for some than for others. The first is just keeping a relationship alive at all, just to keep it in existence. Saying “Happy Birthday” on Facebook, liking an instagram post, emailing - these can keep relationships going but only mechanically - Next is to keep a relationship at a stable level of closeness. Social media makes it possible to maintain more friendships, but more shallowly. And it can also keep relationships on "life support" that would (and maybe should) otherwise have died out. What is completely bizzare - is facebook - the fact that i have Heather on my facebook, who i was friends with when i was 7 years old and have not seen since, but i have no connection to her current life - and going back forty plus years is now on my facebook - weird when really, in normal life before the internet, apart from living in Valencia Road, she should be a memory to me - why would i care about her children winning a cup in the sports day at school - She actually does not have any children, but why should i know that? - in this era of mechanical friendships with facebook and prior to this with Friends reunited, these very old childhood relationships have never timed out because they are there in our newsfeed though should really be a memory. By middle-age, people have accumulated many friends from different jobs, different cities, and different activities, who don’t know each other at all. These friendships fall into three categories: active, dormant, and commemorative. Friendships are active if you are in touch regularly, you could call on them for emotional support and it wouldn’t be weird, if you pretty much know what’s going on with their lives at this moment. A dormant friendship has history, maybe you haven’t talked in a while, but you still think of that person as a friend. You’d be happy to hear from them and if you were in their city, you’d definitely meet up. A commemorative friend is not someone you expect to hear from, or see, maybe ever again. But they were important to you at an earlier time in your life, and you think of them fondly for that reason, and still consider them a friend. Facebook makes things weird by keeping these friends continually in your peripheral vision. Perhaps friends are more willing to forgive long lapses in communication because they’re feeling life’s velocity acutely too. It’s sad, that we stop relying on our friends as much when we grow up or move away, but it allows for a different kind of relationship, based on a mutual understanding of each other’s human limitations. It’s not ideal, but it’s real. Friendship is a relationship with no strings attached except the ones you choose to tie, one that’s just about being there, as best as you can.